He’s Perfect But I’m Not in Love!


Her boyfriend of 4 months is the perfect guy, but she’s not in love with him, feels zero chemistry, is just going through the motions and doesn’t know what to do. What would YOU do?


 Transcript: Welcome to Let’s Get Real! Today’s episode is about chemistry in dating.

Jill from New Jersey writes: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for four months.  He’s amazing fun, attentive, sexy, communicates well, desires me on and on.  My problem is that I don’t know how I feel about him.  I feel so guilty for thinking that this relationship might not work. He’s ideal for me!  I’m so confused about how I can feel so unsure.  I’m going through the motions but I’m not in love with him.  Any thoughts?”

So Jill, we do feel for you.  It’s so confusing when things look so good on paper but don’t make us feel the way we think they should.

So Jill, let’s get real about this.  You clearly don’t have chemistry with your boyfriend.  Your head says “Yes,” your heart says “Eh.”  Does chemistry grow over time? We get this question a lot.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  Are you willing to take that chance?  And, you know people are most often excited at the beginning of a relationship and the excitement decreases while the bond increases over time.  So you could still be bonded and feel an affectionate love for someone and not feel in love.

So, is chemistry and feeling in-love important to you?  Can you be happy with feeling bonded and affectionate more like a deep friendship?

Jill, here’s some strategies for you to consider.  Some ways to determine how important chemistry is to you include, what is your vision for the relationship that you want?  Your vision is your inner image of what you really want for your life and your relationship. It’s this, you carry it around with you all the time, and you want to make it real, you want to live that life.  So, if you’re not living your life in alignment with your inner image of what you want your life to be, then you’re not gonna be happy. If you are, then you will be happy. It’s pretty much that simple, and we really can’t change your vision, it’s there, it’s part of, it’s part of who we are.

And Jill, right now you’re saying that you feel like you’re going through the motions, so, if you are still feeling that way in ten years and you still felt you’re just going through the motions, is that okay?  How about this, picture yourself meeting someone that you feel strong chemistry with.  You’re very, very attracted, you’re excited and you feel in love.  Would you want to leave your boyfriend?  Would you, could you still feel loyal and bonded to your boyfriend, and be faithful to your boyfriend even if you meet somebody better in terms of the chemistry department?

So, Jill, right now you’re thinking about yourself and what you want, but are you being fair to your boyfriend?  He deserves to be with someone who cherishes him.  Is that you?

So, how about this. Why don’t you set a deadline for this relationship? You don’t have to make decision now.  There’s no such thing as a relationship emergency, but it’s clear that you do need to make a decision.  So give yourself some time.  Get out your calendar, set a deadline, three months from now, six months from now, a year from now, whatever timeline you want to set.  And on that day, you make a decision.  And in our opinion, if that day comes and you don’t feel a ‘Yes’, that means it’s probably ‘No’.  So, you want to be in love. You want to be able to say “Yes” to your boyfriend and the relationship.  If you’re not feeling that “Yes,” it’s probably a “No.”

So, if you have an idea, suggestion or comment for Jill, you have something to add to the conversation, please enter it in the comment box below, and let’s help her get clear on the importance of chemistry in a relationship.

And please do remember that telling the truth has consequences.  It’s the only way to have a really fulfilling relationship, but not all relationships can handle the truth.  So if this is your situation, please do get the support you need from a qualified therapist, counselor or coach.  No one is successful alone.  And just a little bit of support can go a long way in helping you live happily ever after.

Thanks for watching and bye for now.


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